There was a seeing of a lifelong pattern that felt it belonged to someone very young, the habit is to look into "your" eyes for a reflection to show who "i" really am.
If I see indifference, judgment, or criticism then I curl up into a little ball and recede back into the shadows of self protection, doubt and sadness.
If I see love, acceptance, or appreciation in your eyes, I bloom like a flower in the sun, full expression, open heartedly offering myself in full surrender to the expression of the moment.
This is how I mostly see my children express, delighting in "being" themselves, no holding back, pure expression, no editing, spontaneously letting life simply move through them with pure enjoyment. They have grown up largely in an environment of loving acceptance, a daily celebration of their divine wholeness, awareness of the amazing aliveness of their spirit essence, lots of allowance for free expression and they have not been institutionalized, labeled, graded, & compared as often happens in schools, church, etc..
I have watched them flourish, come into their own fullness, shine brightly, and know and express who they are..
And a few weeks ago I saw clearly this pattern in my conditioning that would have me look into a reflection to see mySelf, to gauge "what I am" based on what "you" see here and reflect..
that is insanity.. for what you may see or not is only your own reflection.
In the midst of this clear seeing, I heard a voice within.. I AM THE LOVE..
2 days later I packed up my house, put everything in storage and drove to California.
In the next 5 days I spent time with several of the people in my life that this pattern most often emerges, they ones I've looked "to" for the love, love me, see me, recognize me, appreciate me.. my thoughts could be projecting outward.
But something had fundamentally shifted.. instead of a reaching outward with the open hand of a beggar, looking for the reflection to reveal truth, there was a feeling of resting deeply in mySelf, a groundedness in truth, in reality. I knew who and what I AM, I am the love, I am delighting in being mySelf, I am here to shine the light, radiate what I am, allow the full expression to fill my being and be offered with open hands ... freely.. offered.. what a delight!
And offered it was.. over and over.. this loving expression flowed and flowed, it wants to express and it is a daring fearless endeavor, there was no self protection, it was not cautious in the least, it felt wonderful, love wanted to flow freely whatever the cost, just to BE what it is.. a free offering, without expectation, looking for nothing, just delighting in being itself..
It seems that the love wanted to express over and over especially in the relationships where i had felt unloved, unmet, unseen.. it wanted to pour itself here .. it felt very risky, wonderful, and deeply healing.. it was as if a channel of loving energy opened and flowed freely, unconditionally, offering itself, I recognized it, I was this channel of energy, I felt it through the entirety of my being. It is as if.. I have finally found mySelf, it has revealed itself, this is the essence of this mystery that I am, the love I've been longing for all of my life.
I began to notice that as it arose and was simply allowed to flow, the energy of love began to build and had a life of it's own.. this is what I've been looking for all my life.. I thought "you" would give it to "me" but I've discovered that "it" is what "I AM".
I am this love that "I've" been looking for in the reflection in "your" eyes.. it was a simple misunderstanding.. there is a clear seeing now .. it seems so obvious, how could I have missed it? Thank you Pamela
Last night I saw Robin Hood.. incredible film.. great story, very moving.. when Robin told Marian that he loved her... I was flooded again.. I let it move through my entire energy body.. I am that love.. it was fully recognized, that is what I am, I felt the waves, tears poured through my eyes.. my heart burst open, such celebration, such beauty, fullness, finally..
such an honor to share this here..