The journey was one of discovering what stands in the way of this and to fully meet: the blocks, the stories, the holding, the resistance, the conditioning, the preferences, the attachment, self protection, self reliance, separation, coping mechanisms, avoidance, distractions..
It was not what I thought.. simply I heard.. just be the love that you are.. and let everything fall away.. sounds good right? nothing new, just let go.. let whatever the blocks are fall away.. I said Yes, Yes, Yes, no holding back, truth take me, take me, take me.. absolutely yes!
This was my prayer.. I had no idea.. later I found myself curled up, in deep suffering, mental anguish, begging for relief, in deep doubt that i'd made a huge mistake and was in way over my head... I had no idea how much resistance there was arising in me, such deep holding, such fear, my whole body locked down tightly, panicking, no relief...
the angels around me were whispering, this is your work JoAnne, come back to your heart, pray and ask for guidance, come back to your breath, try to relax and let it happen, this is what you asked for, this is what you prayed for, you have to walk through it .. let it happen, breathe, relax..
It's amazing that is exactly what I learned in my Bradley Birthing class 11 years ago, your body knows what to do, just breathe, relax and let is happen, don't panic..
This letting go was also a birth and they same tools were required. Unfortunately I did not feel that I could do it.. I felt like I had to die to something to allow something to be born and it truly felt like dying.. dying to the resistance, to the holding, trying to manage and control the experience, dying to the fight, all efforts to protect myself, I had to walk through the fiery angst and let the realization of what I am beyond all of that be born..
I had no idea what letting go really meant, it's easy if there is no resistance, but this one was not easy, it took all of "me", literally.. the discovery of the essence of what I am wanted full possession, no room in the inn for the misunderstandings, limitations, small ideas, mental concepts, they all had to be released... they did not let go easily... there was a fight, but the angels were whispering... constant guidance... this is what you want JoAnne, this is for you.. come back to your heart JoAnne, I promise you are absolutely fine.. stay with it.. step through it.. your are so loved, you are so loved, you are so loved..
Finally things started to relax, breath deepened, remembering happened, I know I heard myself say, I know, I know.. I remember, this is how opening to what you are happens, much like the uterus must contract violently to open to allow for birth... all resistance, all holding, all attempts to protect, control, manage, must be revealed... must be fully revealed, allowed, seen through and released.. eventually they release.. relaxation did happen, softening did happen, opening did happen..
I was reborn, into conscious awareness, into that space of remembering, remembering that I am the love..
all i can think to say now is Thank you, Thank you, Thank you Great Spirit, Divine Mother, Grandmother.. so much gratitude... I had no idea..