Monday, May 17, 2010
just noticing the patterns of opening and closing in relationships.. when we are suddenly surrendered to "being" the love that we are, life just pours itself unabashedly on those around us.. feels like being "in the flow", there is a grace and ease, it is our greatest pleasure that we are an instrument of life itself, we are "out of the way" and there is a sense of "all is well".. and then .... most often after a period of time, there is a collapse back into "concern" for the sense of separate self which brings doubt, fear, and seemingly that flow of love and generosity are cut off and are replaced by the urgent need for self-preservation... at that point compassion is the only sane response.. this is happening for me... recently in a relationship.. new relationship, incredible opening, perhaps the widest yet, the love flow was an incredible outpouring, I got poetry daily.. "you touch me, fill me, love me.. I bust open.. surge into the depths of the space between and within.. find you.. bliss.. no thing.. just it all" "show shoeing, hiking, anything with you has a yes as the answer.. tingling... that is what I want to hear" "so lovely, every part of you and your life... thanks for opening!" "your flaming innocent heart continues to melt mine away.. I am grateful to be in the shine" "What I want.. melts into you.. through you to a place that is without words.. form.. any you or me.. in this place.. Jai ma .. rules and there is no me.. no you.. just love.. kali durga ma.. " "on the plane leaving.. wondering .. full of wonder about the blessing you are in my life.. hopeful.. full of hope that in the terrain of the past I stay open to the present.. holding the love that i know in my heart.. a love that your presence in my life affirms and grows.. I bow with respect to the divine .. in you.. in me.. in all beings" " I so appreciate you and .. well your essence that flows to me and heals my soul.. so blessed!" "hot bath this morning.. so hot.. I thought of you.. burning me with your heat.. alchemically transforming form.. burning me to formlessness.. until all that is left is nowlovelightdarkbodymindpastpresent.. open" "wwwwwoooowwwww ... lovely... luscious... deep... received... given over... to the universe... grabbing you.. puling you closer.. bitten.. lips.. lust.. loins.. grabbing hair.. you.. penetrating with tingles of tongues.. moments of stillness.. pulled more deeply.. bitten.. smacked.. clawed.. swallowed whole.. you ..me.. no space.. no thing.. but resonant ecstasy.. healing.. penetrating.. pounding.. pulsing into you.. receiving uuuuuuuuniverseeee thru you... wondering where you come from... being seen.. Where is there a u??? or a me??? suspended in love... this was just the first 3 weeks.. and now it is 4 months later and seemingly the window has closed.. the faucet appears to be turned off, no flow... strangely with no real reason, no fight, no resentment.. just closed.. the movement is back into self concern, feels almost like the naturalness of a change of seasons.... change in temperature, expression, color, with all the suddenness of the change of seasons, from full bloom to the appearance of dead like a tree that loses all of its leaves and sense of aliveness. And NOW? there is a noticing, that even with the change, truly the aliveness is still very much present, the fullness is undeniable .. the fire burns brightly and the heat is eternal.. and the fact is that the expression seems to change like the seasons.. yes?
Monday, May 3, 2010
What's happening? friends may ask... I smile, pausing.. asking myself.. what is happening?
What ever the outward response.. inwardly and to a few who might understand.. I'll say "embodiment".. the realization of "truth" is moving its way slowly and surely through all of the beliefs, stories, conditioning, ways of holding, resisting, self protection, in short through the entire "self" called JoAnne.
In the past 15 years of spiritual inquiry, intense study, satsang, looking deeply within, working with teachers, meditation, etc..
There have been many realizations of truth- reality seems to reveal itself, something opens up, something falls away, the idea of who and what i am disappears.
There is an awareness that "I"am not what "i" thought "I" was. (Often this feels like a huge relief, thank god, I knew somehow that I was not just a personality, a list of characteristics and beliefs, separate from my source, others, in my own little bubble.)
There is a feeling of spaciousness, limitlessness, emptiness and at the same time, calm, quiet, ease of being. This is the experience of getting out of the mind, out of the limited view of a separate identity, out of the story. This is resting in reality, our true nature, our formless nature, spirit, essence, what we've always been, home.
Sometime JoAnne is on board it seems, the mind is quiet or not bothersome, there is a sense of ease and flow, abundance and grace, everything feels like its moving along and there gratitude, appreciation, and enjoyment.
Often there is a battle at hand... there is a striving for happiness, comfort, ease.. and a deep resistance to stress, inconvenience, or anything that feels bad. It seems that the longer one has been working on resolving what is unresolved the closer it gets to the core issue, the most painful thing, that which we avoid at all costs.
Sitting in a 4 day satsang retreat last weekend with Sharon Landrith, we were asked, What was the most painful aspect of childhood, (get it down to 3 words)? There are a few common responses, I was insignificant, I don't matter, I'm not loved, not heard, not cared for, I was abandoned, etc..
The most painful story for me that still triggers reactivity is feeling insignificant, unimportant, not cared for, not valued and not loved etc... this is triggered often and my experience is that when i notice this story arise, feel where it shows up in the body and say yes to it, allow it, meet it, rather than resist it.. it begins to relax and release.. but strangely I often don't do this.. (despite years of training and working with others) instead i resist, resist, resist!!
I fight, I scream to myself NO NO NO, this is wrong, this can't be, i can't tolerate this, can't bear it! I feel as if my survival is based on changing the circumstances rather than to sit down, take a breath and notice what is happening in the body, in the sensations, and simply allow it.
2 examples..1-Most recently it was someone I love that usually showers me with love and attention who in the midst of dealing with their own deep personal fear and pain suddenly stopped showing up and responding to my calls and texts in a prompt way. I freaked out a bit, I was in a story, I don't matter, they don't care, there is something wrong with me, I am alone, I hate this.. 2- the property management company where I rent sent me a letter that they were going to repair our roof, i was not aware of a problem, but no biggie I thought, well it turned out to be very loud, men in my windows all day, pounding, walking on our roof, mess, equipment, scaffolding everywhere and it lasted a month. I was so triggered, I thought for sure they'd give us a rent reduction, but they refused to do anything, I felt so imposed on, not considered, insignificant. I really worked myself up over this, deep resistance to the situation and also to my own reactivity, i believed my story that this was wrong and i was right, they were doing it me, it was unfair on and on, created a lot of misery for myself.
Today I talked to a wise friend.. oh great metaphor she said, you are getting a new roof, you are under construction, you brought this situation in to remind yourself that repairs are underway, improvements, a whole crew is working on you. Suddenly everything shifted, i no longer wanted to be mean to the roofing crew, or the property manager, I was seeing the perfection in everything, the story that it was wrong fell away, I felt a peace come over me.
I created this, this is happening for me, not to me. Everything is happening for me, the entire universe is conspiring to bring about the awareness of the rightness of everything.
What are you resisting in your life? What do you most want to avoid? What is the story you are telling yourself that is causing so much pain?
Would love to hear from you..