Sunday, June 27, 2010

the pain of identifying with a viewpoint..

this has been happening over and over.. recently i found out that someone close to me had a big secret. A secret they'd been keeping for decades, never telling anyone (that I know of), well it was finally revealed to a few folks and when i found out I immediately created a story and it went something like this. This person is such a secret keeper, so always trying to look good, they probably have more secrets, i don't even really know them, basically that they were wrong for keeping the secret .. I discussed this yesterday with a friend and it was remarkable what I discovered, the friend had a completely different viewpoint than I did. She felt deep compassion for the shame that must have caused the person to keep the secret, in fact she had a similar situation in her life and knew the deep shame that often accompanied this situation.

I was floored, always am when there is a seeing of how attached one can become to a particular viewpoint and story. In the moment of seemingly relishing in being right and making the other wrong (although i don't see it that way in the moment, it just seems rational) I do not consider that there could be another way of seeing it much less that there is an infinite number of ways of seeing the situation. When I am centered, feet on the ground, resting in my true nature, clear, not in story but feeling the "reality of unity" rather than the illusion of seperateness - that there is only one life, expressed in 7 Billion forms, it is so clear that compassion is the only sane response to anyone, for anything, ignorance/unconsciousness is the only sin - (an archery term that means missing the mark).
Compassion is the only sane response, compassion is the only sane response, compassion is the only sane response!

Immersion in emotion and the story the mind conjures up and the conditioning that is triggered - I am not safe, I am under threat (betrayed, abandoned), I am inadequate, insufficient and stupid for not seeing it coming.. it feels like I will die from this.. even though really it is almost never a real life threatening incident.

But emotionally it feels like I'll die, like I am dying, when someone says one thing and does another, does not show up, is late, makes plans and breaks them, says they love you and behaves in a way that does not feel loving, does not help you, show up for you, show emotional support, have compassion and tenderness, is harsh or judgmental and critical, ignores you, does not communicate clearly, is checked out and not paying attention or available to connect, connects for a short time and then just loses interest and energetically leaves without saying anything.

These are the types of emotional situations/interpretations of incidents (stories, viewpoints, perspectives) that trigger deep hurt, anger, & self protectiveness that is unresolved from the past. I surges up in the present and so often I feel it is happening to me and not for me..
But the truth is everything is happening for me, not to me.. Everything is happening for me, not to me. Everything is happening to FOR me, not to me...

The events in the present that trigger the beliefs and stories that I adopted most likely in childhood (when we think everything is about us) arise to be MET in the present. Here is the key that I've discovered.. that which is unresolved arises to be MET, because wholeness is our true nature. When it arises if we just stay in the cesspool of the mind, circling, nothing is resolved, when is arises it must be MET by this center, presence, the ground of being, love, compassion (in AA we say give it to God, same thing).

So it happened again today, it was really intense. Someone in my life is not showing up in a loving responsible reliable way. I could go on and on with the story but the bottom line is whatever they are doing, is triggering a story that feels like my survival is threatened. I feel that they're not showing up, not doing what they say they will, flaking out, not communicating, I feel lied to, decieved, I can't trust them, not only do i feel threatened but I feel hurt, insignificant, not considered, not loved, alone, and all of that is the result of identifying with a viewpoint. It is really painful!!
So i lash out, attack, communicate my pain, ask for what i want and then take a deep breath. I remember the event of yesterday when my friend related another viewpoint to me and the spaciousness that opened up..

Our true nature is this spaciousness- infinite viewpoints, compassion, a realization of oneness.
Deep breath.. this is an opportunity to heal, to let presence touch these parts in my conditioning that get triggered by a story, believe the story, let it act as a law unto this life by simply believing in it..

the viewpoint is not reality, all viewpoint are valid, all 7 billion of them, but none are true, believing the story creates a movement away from true nature or at least it seems that way, off center, missing the mark, right out of the garden of eden..

taking that time now, to be tender with myself, notice the tension in my body- breath there, let the sweetness that loves on my boys touch on the hurting one within, the disappointed one, the one that feel ignored and not considered, just an innocent misunderstanding, the only sane response is compassion. Let the healing happen within - let presence touch all of this..
with tender kisses..

in the end i can say thank you for the person and situation that allowed this to arise to be healed, released, resolved, seen clearly..

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

What matters the most to you?

I got a call this morning.. a good friend of ours died in a climbing accident. He was 38 yrs old, had 3 amazing beautiful unschooled kids who we spent a lot of time with, and his passion was rock climbing. He was a devoted dad, his 3 kids played Magic with my two boys once a week and he came along and played with all of them, usually their kids would come home with us for a sleepover, I adored all three of them and so did my boys. We celebrated birthdays together, played lazer tag, he was the dad you always wanted to be there cause he was so full of life and joy.
He was beautiful and sweet and I loved to see him interact with the kids. He was playful and fun and his kids adored him! He was hard working, passionate, and he was at the happiest time of his life he recently told me. He also said that his wife was happier than he'd ever seen her, she was also living her passion, farming an acre of land for the coop community and her happiness was such a joy for him. It seemed their marriage was thriving, kids were thriving, they'd had some big struggles and seemed to overcome quite a lot, medically, financially, life and it's challenges in general and it was a really sweet time. He traveled all over the world and climbed, extreme climbs, he was very good, had a ton of experience and loved it. Recently he got frostbite on one of his toes and almost lost a toe, he got lucky. Apparently he'd had many close calls with death, but always prevailed. Until this morning, he went climbing, fell 80 feet and died. I cried curled up in ball for hours.. grieving for so much. His wife, their 3 kids who i truly love and feel so grateful to know, my own dad who died when i was 25, he was 48, all of the life I did not get to share with him, my marriage which looks more and more like it might be over, my kids who do not get much time with their dad who is so devoted to his career and life without kids, all the kids who do not seem like much of a priority to their dads, the kid in me who did not feel like much of a priority to my parents. So many tears, my body wracked with sobs, so much clearing emotionally and energetically, I feel kind of stunned and in shock now, empty and quiet.
The irony, today is my dad's birthday and my mom is celebrating 13 years of sobriety today.. just like life.. it is everything, death and birth and celebrating new life, totality..

So my friend's legacy to me is this.. as a wise one says.. the most important thing is to find out what the most important thing is.. what is most important? our careers? devoting ourselves to our spiritual path? achieving, accomplishing, acquiring stuff? devoting time and energy to our children? connection to our families? nurturing and nourishing our marriages? our relationships? self care? selfless service? realizing truth? self forgetting?
I'll be sitting in silence asking these questions..

Monday, June 21, 2010

ever get stuck in a story..

So there was this incredible opening in the heart a few weeks ago, it was big, a clear seeing that the love that i was looking for in life, in others was right here, the fabric of my being, it was what I AM. Some armor fell away, protectiveness from the past no longer needed. The energy of the loving energy seemed to emerge from the core of the earth, coming forth like a geyser, unbridled and fearless. The expression of love that came pouring out was unconcerned about protocol or social rules.. for so many years there had been an inability to really fearlessly expose this loving essence, to be so vulnerable, so out on a limb, to risk not being received, met, loved back. All these concerns were no more..

This realization of being the love, being the loving continues.. it's been some adventure and boy so many purifying tears have been shed.
A few things being noticed...
This expression of loving seemed like a fire hose at times, creating a flood, drenching whoever might be in its path.
It seems that there are always these stories arising which create internal drama and delusion when they are believed ..
I am the love, so much is possible here now, it could look like this (scenario comes into mind). This is destiny, to express the love here now with you. So much healing is possible, love can finally be expressed fully expressed.
The story really focused on primary relationships where there were major blocks and suddenly there was an idea of how they could be healed, what was possible there..

What is being seen more clearly today is that these are viewpoints and there are other viewpoints that are equally valid. No viewpoint is true or false, all are just perspectives, not to believed and followed, but to be noticed by awareness as a viewpoint. When there is a calapsing into one viewpoint and it is identified with, perspective gets very small and limited and suffering is coming, it feels like infinity climbing into a tiny box, it's cramped and finally at some point it unhooks and there is this climbing out of the box, AHHHH.
From the perspective of Presence or awareness is "the big view" - which contains infinite viewpoints, all noticed, all equally valid but none believed, followed or identified with.

So the heart is open here, love can easily flow through, but some folks may not want to be flooded, thank you very much. They may not be feeling it, not open to receive and frankly more than a bit uncomfortable and shocked at having the firehose turned on them.
Relationships can run their course, maybe there is not an opportunity to go deeper, maybe it is done. This is a particularly challenging when it comes to marriage and especially when there are young children, there is very dense conditioning here and seeing clearly can be almost impossible when there is one viewpoint being identified with.
So all of this coming clear, in this moment there is an infinite view available, no agenda or ideas of how anything, any relationship should look. There is a noticing that whenever the question arises, "Is the love here, is it present? " and there is an internal looking the answer is always YES!
As the thoughts arise and they always do.. awareness notices them and the moment to moment practice is to question every belief... is that true? how do i feel if i believe that? how do i behave when i believe that thought? where do i feel that in my body? who i am without believing or following or identifying with that thought? thanks byron katie!!

Friday, June 11, 2010

seeing the simple misunderstanding...

A few weeks ago i sat with one who was clear... she giggled and smiled, she was radiant, inviting, awake.. she spoke of a "simple misunderstanding" and suddenly a pattern emerged.
There was a seeing of a lifelong pattern that felt it belonged to someone very young, the habit is to look into "your" eyes for a reflection to show who "i" really am.

If I see indifference, judgment, or criticism then I curl up into a little ball and recede back into the shadows of self protection, doubt and sadness.

If I see love, acceptance, or appreciation in your eyes, I bloom like a flower in the sun, full expression, open heartedly offering myself in full surrender to the expression of the moment.

This is how I mostly see my children express, delighting in "being" themselves, no holding back, pure expression, no editing, spontaneously letting life simply move through them with pure enjoyment. They have grown up largely in an environment of loving acceptance, a daily celebration of their divine wholeness, awareness of the amazing aliveness of their spirit essence, lots of allowance for free expression and they have not been institutionalized, labeled, graded, & compared as often happens in schools, church, etc..
I have watched them flourish, come into their own fullness, shine brightly, and know and express who they are..

And a few weeks ago I saw clearly this pattern in my conditioning that would have me look into a reflection to see mySelf, to gauge "what I am" based on what "you" see here and reflect..
that is insanity.. for what you may see or not is only your own reflection.
In the midst of this clear seeing, I heard a voice within.. I AM THE LOVE..

2 days later I packed up my house, put everything in storage and drove to California.
In the next 5 days I spent time with several of the people in my life that this pattern most often emerges, they ones I've looked "to" for the love, love me, see me, recognize me, appreciate me.. my thoughts could be projecting outward.
But something had fundamentally shifted.. instead of a reaching outward with the open hand of a beggar, looking for the reflection to reveal truth, there was a feeling of resting deeply in mySelf, a groundedness in truth, in reality. I knew who and what I AM, I am the love, I am delighting in being mySelf, I am here to shine the light, radiate what I am, allow the full expression to fill my being and be offered with open hands ... freely.. offered.. what a delight!

And offered it was.. over and over.. this loving expression flowed and flowed, it wants to express and it is a daring fearless endeavor, there was no self protection, it was not cautious in the least, it felt wonderful, love wanted to flow freely whatever the cost, just to BE what it is.. a free offering, without expectation, looking for nothing, just delighting in being itself..
It seems that the love wanted to express over and over especially in the relationships where i had felt unloved, unmet, unseen.. it wanted to pour itself here .. it felt very risky, wonderful, and deeply healing.. it was as if a channel of loving energy opened and flowed freely, unconditionally, offering itself, I recognized it, I was this channel of energy, I felt it through the entirety of my being. It is as if.. I have finally found mySelf, it has revealed itself, this is the essence of this mystery that I am, the love I've been longing for all of my life.

I began to notice that as it arose and was simply allowed to flow, the energy of love began to build and had a life of it's own.. this is what I've been looking for all my life.. I thought "you" would give it to "me" but I've discovered that "it" is what "I AM".
I am this love that "I've" been looking for in the reflection in "your" eyes.. it was a simple misunderstanding.. there is a clear seeing now .. it seems so obvious, how could I have missed it? Thank you Pamela

Last night I saw Robin Hood.. incredible film.. great story, very moving.. when Robin told Marian that he loved her... I was flooded again.. I let it move through my entire energy body.. I am that love.. it was fully recognized, that is what I am, I felt the waves, tears poured through my eyes.. my heart burst open, such celebration, such beauty, fullness, finally..
such an honor to share this here..