Monday, July 18, 2011

Suddenly I see...

I'm sitting in an AA meeting... the topic was letting go... that is so what's happening here..
Sandy Beach tells the story best about dropping the rock. A man is drowning from holding on to this heavy weight, just when he is ready to give up hope, he looks up at the shore and sees all these people dancing and laughing, wow he says... looks really good up there, yeah it is, they reply.. drop the rock and come on out of the water.
Drop the rock he thinks, impossible, this is my rock, it is vital to me, my whole world, it's all i have, what i am... so he goes on drowning.. later he looks up again, wow it looks really good up there... drop the rock they yell at him... he can't.. time goes by... something happens, by accident he drops the rock and climbs out..
he wonders later...What the hell was i thinking hanging on to that rock for so long..

In this human drama/comedy, most of us are hanging on desperately to some very small ideas of who and what we are. Loaded down with our concepts and ideas of the image we think we are. I'm this, i'm that, i'm this description... well it's simply not true.. that's like saying all you need to make cookies is flour. It is our responsibility to remember who we are, to recognize our fundamental nature.

If you want to make chocolate chip cookies, you follow the recipe, if you leave out the flour or the chocolate chips or the baking soda, it's not gonna be chocolate chip cookies.
Recognizing our true identity is like that, we need BOTH vital ingredients, we need to clearly see our basic state as well as the expression that appears in this instant.

1. recognition of the vast open intelligence, our true beneficial nature AND
2. whatever or whoever is appearing in this moment, all that appears, all thoughts, feelings, sensations and experiences just as they are. It is in the combining of these two: essence and appearance, substance and form, that the full potential beneficial nature of love is fully expressed.

I listened today to someone talking about their challenge in dealing with a friend who was sick, depressed, needy, draining, demanding, on and on.... they want to help, feel guilt when they don't, but are so challenged to not get sucked into this very draining encounter... well that's a description for sure... what's actually true about that? without seeing the true identity, open intelligence, it's like being blind. To only see the description and not the fundamental nature, the essence, the truth about a person, situation, thought, feeling, etc.. is to not see it clearly.

It's like making cookies with only flour and water, they'll taste really bad. Likewise to only see truth, essence, but not the appearance, to not have compassion and love for people and their challenges can result in a cold hearted distant removed experience that can leave people thinking that if the appearance is not really real, then nothing matters and they can behave anyway they like without morals or ethics. equally blind.

Our full expression of our beneficial nature is the recipe of these 2 ingredients, we only get chocolate chip cookies, or see clearly when we see both the truth, the unmanifest, the open intelligence, the infinite nature AND the expression, thought, experience, feeling.. whatever appears, the finite. It is in the coincidence of these two that we find our full beneficial nature.

Suddenly I see..

This is the training, the moment to moment to practice.. recognizing what we are in and as what is appearing... the question is aligned with reality or not, got both ingredients or not?
When we are aligned with truth, we drop the rock, we are at rest, there is a feeling of well being with everything just as it is. Nothing needs to change, no one needs to be different, we allow all experiences to come and go, we are at peace, we are naturally beneficial, we know what to do, how to contribute, it is clear. lovely.... and it all seems really funny then..

Saturday, July 16, 2011

oh thank you my mirror...

it's so cool, i got to see myself 3 times in the last 12 hours...
I am forever grateful for how the universe shows me .. through you, i get to see "my" situation in another, and when it's about "you" there is such clarity... am i willing to gaze in the mirror, to see clearly and then let that clarity come blazing back to this expression here, that i call "my" life..

I'm sitting with a good friend... she is crying, in pain, hurting over a romance that's ended.. it was so amazing, so beautiful, such a heart opening.. i felt such bliss, so radiant, the loving was undeniable and oh it was so joyful... then it changed... now i feel sadness & grief, telling myself i'm rejected, inadequate, unloved... i've felt this so many times before..
My girlfriend was texting the guy... wanting to talk with him, wanting to share her pain, thinking that by expressing her hurt that she would feel better and find resolve and be able to move on.

A teacher shared with me recently.. there are 4 responses available when we are facing any challenge..
1. we can indulge it (focus on it, call 4 people, endlessly think there is something to figure out.. if only we think about it more).
2. replace it ( reach for a thought that feels better, affirm it away)
3. avoid it (with food, alcohol, tv, sports, drugs, sex, fill in the blank)
4. we can open to it.. relax and take it easy, don't struggle.. let it be as it is..

I was able to see easily the habit in me when affliction arises to believe that the pain or fear is 'caused' by the situation or person. If only they would ________, then i would be ok, if only they'd love me more, be kind, show up, do this or that.... it follows that I've now made myself a victim of this situation and i go into blame ...

when i notice this, i can stop thinking for just a moment and relax, open, let everything just be for a minute... i can do this over and over, taking short moments whenever i remember to just relax and open ...


I spent the day at the pool with a bunch of kids... i saw a very familiar pattern.. one of the kids felt hurt and excluded ... there was a calapse into the hurt, a story that the hurt was caused by someone, a lashing back, shutting down, coldness and anger. How many times have i felt hurt, someone (usually that i value deeply and love) is not treating me with the respect and love that i want, i feel hurt, take it personal, shut down, lash out and protect myself by being distant and cold. I watched this child suffer in her story, unable to do it any other way.
This has been a very familiar pattern for me, i saw it clearly.. so grateful that today i have a choice to simply open with whatever feelings arise, that i can choose not to make myself a victim of a situation, not to go into the story of blame and condemnation of another, that i can open up and allow what's here without indulging the story and suffering..
Even when i do fall into this pattern.. whenever i remember i can stop and take a moment to relax and open..

I saw the mom of this child.. wanting to "figure it out", carrying a story about how this situation happens all the time.. this behavior of teasing or excluding or whatever.. perpetuating the story that our pain or upset is caused by another, that we are harmed or victims of another.. I saw how unserving this is, how invested we can be protecting the identity that we think we are. So convinced that we are that we can be harmed or helped ... what we fundamentally are is untouched, unaffected by what comes and goes.. relaxing for a moment is the practice to recognize our true vast indestructible nature..

I do not have to carry around the stories of the past, how others have the power to hurt me, seeking experiences to give me the love that I am, seeking outside of my own innate nature for the well being that is actually right here when i relax into the vast open expanse that I am.

thank you my mirrors, thank you for this clarity to see ... for this practice of relaxing and for that short moment that i can pause and look at myself.. finding the well being of resting in my fundamental basic nature.