Tuesday, July 27, 2010

falling back into mySelf.. always..

I sat this morning in my 7am AA meeting feeling a bit uninspired by the sharing. A copy of the Tao Te Ching in my lap, I open it periodically, read a page and sit eyes closed for a few minutes letting Lao Tzo's words wash over the content of thoughts that seems to cloud true perception of the well being that some part of me knows is always there. I listen to many stories of the past, feeling a little bored as I breathe in awareness of the talk, the room, the community, the ocean, occasionally tapping my foot on the floor to remind myself of the ground of being, that which holds me, supports me, the sense of being that I AM.

Continuing to breathe, I reflect on the conversation I had last night with Steve my husband.
In the last 2 weeks we've spent a lot of time together without our kids, a rare occurrence.
We've talked, we've played, gone to ecstatic dance, done partner yoga, contact improv www.contactimprovla.com), acro yoga, tantra, eye gazing, etc.. in short... reconnection.
Over the last 5 years we've explored living separately, reconnection & profound healing, being in relationships with others (and processing all that that experience brings up),being in open relationship - all the while ever deepening.. our spiritual practice, realization of our fullness, immersion in spiritual community, & growing awareness of ourselves as energetic beings.

We've both had many awakenings, worked with amazing teachers and most recently come into ever deepening desire to live and express this love that we are and it seems that enough of the blocks that were between us have been removed, dissolved, addressed..

So now there is discussion of living together again, living in community with others, living in a smaller town than i've ever lived in.. the discussion brought up a lot in me to look at. As I am sitting in the meeting i started to list the fears that arose.. falling back into old patterns of unconsciousness, fears of falling into the boredom of daily life, taking one another for granted, being a bit scared about what can surface living in community with others (i've done it before), facing myself - insecurities, inadequacies, facing it all.. it's the deepest work i've done. It's really sitting in the fear of I'm in over my head, i can't sustain this tremendous flow of love and devotion, something will go wrong, it will be a mess.. i wrote it all down..

As i wrote and saw it on paper, i began to relax.. a voice within said .. ok, ok, ok.. yes that might be, whatever, it will be what it will be, you don't really know do you, you really are not doing this anyways, it's not up to you (that little thought that you think you are), into the mystery joanne, into the mystery you go... let your heart lead you.. wonder what you'll find??
I began to relax, began to smile, began to feel curious, full of a sense of discovery, excited about the infinite possibilities. Out of my head, released from the bondage of self, into the spaciousness, aware of the ground, the context rather than the content, the space rather than the form, back into mySelf, AHHHHH. Liberation, deep relaxation, being..

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