Well there was a flood of emotion, labels, judgments, big upset. Then the stories like snowballs rolling down a hill gained momentum and became bigger and bigger.
It was a huge opportunity for me.. several opportunities in fact...
1. Big opportunity for me to really get it that I can choose ...to rest, to pause.. to be still, to come back to mySelf, to hold to the awareness of my own fundamental well being. I can choose this in each here and now moment.
Well being is always here, like gravity, whether I want to acknowledge it or not. Choosing to be aware of this stability is always an option. I can choose to emphasize and rely on this awareness that is always here, i can relax for a second.
When I do that, I come to know myself more and more as this stability, wholeness, perfection, having everything, needing nothing, complete.. in my essence.
2. In the past I've told myself that situations, people, events were the cause of what was arising in me, my upset was caused by this person or this situation. Now I am seeing more clearly that the thoughts and feelings that arise, just arise, they are not caused by anything. In seeing that, I can just relax and let everything be as it is. Rather than getting lost in a story about how this situation has to change in order for me to be ok. Again, well being is available here and now by relaxing and letting it all be as it is. What i've started to notice is that whatever thoughts or feelings are arising internally as I let them all be as they are, they will begin to self release on their own when I don't try to get rid of them, stuff them down or shift away from what's arising. So I just sat with the thoughts, upset, fear, discomfort... and I found that as I just relaxed for a moment whenever I remembered to, there was a natural movement and release.
2 nights ago I was sitting under the full moon, noticing how bright the moon was. A few hours later I sat again in the same spot looking up at the sky, the moon had moved (or rather the earth had moved), I could not see it at all. Everything is constantly moving and shifting, in nature, as well as with thoughts, feelings and experiences, it's the way things are, constantly changing and moving. So it is with all things, they arise, express and self release. Only when I let everything be as it is do I notice this natural flow and release of all that appears.
So it's been about 48 hours since I got this news about this paperwork not being filed, and it's so funny, well it is all resolved now.. after resting in openness for 36 hours or so.. asking a few questions and getting some information, i was able to communicate clearly without any drama or upset, I noticed that i was not feeling afraid, it was really amazing.. I was able to express what I learned about the situation, even express what I thought that perhaps there was just an avoidance that was behind not filing the paperwork.
I was able to ask for what I wanted (getting the papers filed in the next week). It was a calm, respectful conversation and I felt such clarity and capacity to address the situation in the moment without any big story running. I knew very clearly that my well being and stability was not dependent on any result at all, it was here, very obvious simply in the moment to moment acknowledgment of it.
Bigger than all of this.. is the clarity that my awareness of my innate well being is 100% my responsibility, My fundamental well being is not touched by what anyone says or does, Open Intelligence is not impacted by anything that occurs or does not occur, it is dependent on nothing, it is self reliant, self contained, independent of anything that comes and goes.
Also i got very clearly that whatever data or energy or sensation that arises.. it is not caused by an event, person, or thought.. it just arises.. as i rest as openness beyond causation... i tap into this clarity, stability, profound well being that is not impacted by anything that comes and goes...
I see the perfection, i see how everything serves this perfection, there is just the deepening into this natural perfection. The greater and greater expanse that is expressed...