Saturday, July 16, 2011

oh thank you my mirror...

it's so cool, i got to see myself 3 times in the last 12 hours...
I am forever grateful for how the universe shows me .. through you, i get to see "my" situation in another, and when it's about "you" there is such clarity... am i willing to gaze in the mirror, to see clearly and then let that clarity come blazing back to this expression here, that i call "my" life..

I'm sitting with a good friend... she is crying, in pain, hurting over a romance that's ended.. it was so amazing, so beautiful, such a heart opening.. i felt such bliss, so radiant, the loving was undeniable and oh it was so joyful... then it changed... now i feel sadness & grief, telling myself i'm rejected, inadequate, unloved... i've felt this so many times before..
My girlfriend was texting the guy... wanting to talk with him, wanting to share her pain, thinking that by expressing her hurt that she would feel better and find resolve and be able to move on.

A teacher shared with me recently.. there are 4 responses available when we are facing any challenge..
1. we can indulge it (focus on it, call 4 people, endlessly think there is something to figure out.. if only we think about it more).
2. replace it ( reach for a thought that feels better, affirm it away)
3. avoid it (with food, alcohol, tv, sports, drugs, sex, fill in the blank)
4. we can open to it.. relax and take it easy, don't struggle.. let it be as it is..

I was able to see easily the habit in me when affliction arises to believe that the pain or fear is 'caused' by the situation or person. If only they would ________, then i would be ok, if only they'd love me more, be kind, show up, do this or that.... it follows that I've now made myself a victim of this situation and i go into blame ...

when i notice this, i can stop thinking for just a moment and relax, open, let everything just be for a minute... i can do this over and over, taking short moments whenever i remember to just relax and open ...


I spent the day at the pool with a bunch of kids... i saw a very familiar pattern.. one of the kids felt hurt and excluded ... there was a calapse into the hurt, a story that the hurt was caused by someone, a lashing back, shutting down, coldness and anger. How many times have i felt hurt, someone (usually that i value deeply and love) is not treating me with the respect and love that i want, i feel hurt, take it personal, shut down, lash out and protect myself by being distant and cold. I watched this child suffer in her story, unable to do it any other way.
This has been a very familiar pattern for me, i saw it clearly.. so grateful that today i have a choice to simply open with whatever feelings arise, that i can choose not to make myself a victim of a situation, not to go into the story of blame and condemnation of another, that i can open up and allow what's here without indulging the story and suffering..
Even when i do fall into this pattern.. whenever i remember i can stop and take a moment to relax and open..

I saw the mom of this child.. wanting to "figure it out", carrying a story about how this situation happens all the time.. this behavior of teasing or excluding or whatever.. perpetuating the story that our pain or upset is caused by another, that we are harmed or victims of another.. I saw how unserving this is, how invested we can be protecting the identity that we think we are. So convinced that we are that we can be harmed or helped ... what we fundamentally are is untouched, unaffected by what comes and goes.. relaxing for a moment is the practice to recognize our true vast indestructible nature..

I do not have to carry around the stories of the past, how others have the power to hurt me, seeking experiences to give me the love that I am, seeking outside of my own innate nature for the well being that is actually right here when i relax into the vast open expanse that I am.

thank you my mirrors, thank you for this clarity to see ... for this practice of relaxing and for that short moment that i can pause and look at myself.. finding the well being of resting in my fundamental basic nature.

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