Friday, March 11, 2011

liberation through heartbreak...

How exactly does this immense thing called life liberate "us" from the seeming state of forgetting that we are life itself?
How is it that we seem to forget that we are truly awareness itself, the wide open expanse of creation?
How is it exactly that "what is"... "all that is" seems to forget? fall asleep to "what is" and collapse into a perception of being limited to a body, a feeling, a situation, or a thought?

Can you relate to this experience.. i finally found this amazing love.. partnership, union.. i gave myself completely, i thought i was finally at home in myself.. then the tide rose, the wind shifted, the lover left, i was alone, he was gone.... even better he was with someone else and i was left with my dialogue..
why did this happen? how could this have happened? apparently this "love" was not real, not what i thought, there must be something wrong with me, this always happens to me.. i'll never be loved..
The flow of reality seems to stop at this point.. life is not unfolding, the birds are not singing the sun is not shining, the earth is not turning.. there is just this story.. it's all consuming.. the very loud dialogue.. this intense feeling..
At first i was so devastated by my perception of what occurred.. i thought it was what happened, that my story was actually reality, that i'd been wronged, i was a victim.. this situation was the cause of my suffering.. i totally believed it..
but now i see that i was seemingly consumed in my judgments and stories about what happened.. and as a result.. reactivity occured.. I had to flee.. run away, protect myself.. or so i thought.. withdrawal, telling my story, blaming, fantasizing that if ONLY _______ (fill in the blank) basically this had not happened, then "i" would be ok..
The suffering seemed to get cranked up each and every time i continued to feed this story, believing each thought, feeling, sensation, going along with the protection, blame, deeper and deeper immersion in the dream of who i think i am...

I signed up for a 3 month class, i made a 100% commitment to rely on clarity, awareness, presence rather than believing the perceptions, thoughts, conclusions, judgements that I'd been consumed with.. I did assignments, I studied texts of truth, I wrote and wrote about the patterns that I've been relying on.. i saw the insanity of continuously relying on what was so unstable.. i cried out in grief and vowed to find something more stable that I could rely on.. I found it.. a simple teaching that continuously pointed me back to myself, to a moment to moment practice of resting for short moments many times in the space of alert awareness, just relaxing for a moment over and over until I recognize continuously that that open expanse of well being is what I actually am..

within a short time, as i softened internally and moved into greater self support and reliance on realizing what i truly am.. this expanse of awareness.. i found that there were times that I no longer seemed to be angry or rejecting or condemning.. of a situation or person.. i softened just a bit.. i was able to allow myself to be with the appearances and perceptions about what was appearing.. just as it is.. accepting and relaxing.. for a time there would be such clarity, humor about what seemed so serious and problematic before.. I felt light, clear, resolved, liberated..

then whoosh... down the rabbit hole of believing the thoughts, feelings, conclusions about circumstances again.. reactivity follows.. i identify with all of it.. i actually think i am in control of this.. i am these experiences, i am a victim of this.. it's bad and i need to fix it..

then suddenly i am taking short moments again.. relying on clarity rather than the stream of thoughts, helplessly floating along in the river of perceptions.. i'm 100% committed to reality, truth, resting for short moments many times... coming home to myself, this wide open perspective, this space of well being, restfulness.. my own peaceful nature..

Clarity is the great liberator.. the great revealer.. i see clearly now that as long as i think i need someone, depend on someone or any picture or set of circumstances.. thinking i am limited, dependent or in need... this is pure insanity. life is my lover, my sustainance, my source, not any person.. it's been a great revelation, a fulfillment of what was revealed to me many times when everything seems very clear, it's all here, right here within my own being.. whatever is needed is here... in the midst of a painful circumstance.. there is a choice.. going off into the story of about how i need this person to be okay, need this to be different.. or there is resting in the truth, the complete lover of awareness. Chase the illusion.. or rest in what's true..

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