Tuesday, December 7, 2010

I can see clearly now..

Finally there is a tapping into the internal GPS system.. ahhhh the map, clear directions, this is the way home, follow the map, turn right here, keep going.. skillful navigation, clear seeing.. such a relief..
Recently there has been the experience of feeling very lost, confused, frustrated, the mind striving to make sense of the intense unraveling that has been happening in my life... things not working out, the core areas of relationships and finances in a state of disarray..
So much mental looping, lost in thoughts, judgments, concluding, scenarios, the mind is like a fog machine that appears to obscure reality. There has been an overall panic, flailing, an inability to land, come to rest, an inability to trust in the unfolding.
There has been this clinging, like a baby monkey clings to it's mothers back to external form, to people, relationships, structures.. and yet with all the desire to cling that the fear of falling compels ... the forms continue to fall away..
Truth communicated to me very clearly this last weekend.. relax my darling, just relax..
let everything move through you, be porous and let it all move through, no need to hold on to anything, it all comes to pass. I felt that I was held so tenderly, huge constructs of fear fell away.. trust your breath, come back to your heart, pray and ask for guidance.. ask to be shown, let your whole life be a prayer..
I have this little stone in my hand, I squeeze it.. no more getting lost in experiences.. no more indulgence in the positive ones, no more avoiding or running from the tough ones.. just sit here in the love, love everything that's here, let it pass through, nothing can actually touch you, there is this that is untouched, rest here.. No more losing sight of the what is actually happening here, the journey home, the return to our true nature, coming back into the realization that we never actually left, walking this road that actually goes nowhere, no more forgetting..
I saw that I've been holding on to a relationship out of fear... just a simple misunderstanding, I thought that this full expression that I am wanted to express in that relationship.. but the expansion is within, not in the without.. it is not about clinging to any person, the work is always within.. be the love, love everything that arises here, all reactivity- fear, feeling lost, frustration, whatever it is, let it land, love it home, be with it.. all I really want is to be here!
I think I want him to do this, them to do that, this to work out this way or that.. even thinking I want to see clearly.. underneath it all, I just want to BE here, I want to be here, at rest, recognize that I am this hereness, not a something..
So the fear is falling away as I remember.. all I want is to Be what I am, here, present, in that there is a strong awareness that everything that is needed is here, it's all here, everything. This that maintains and sustains this life has access to everything .. it's all here within.. stay here, look here, not out there, it's not out there.. enough with the looking out there.. it's here!
The love is here, the guidance is here, no more doubting.. no more wandering off.. getting lost.. come home to yourself.. stay present, whatever you need is here, relax, relax, relax..
Such clear guidance, thank you thank you..
As i sit I notice intense holding in the body.. the body is always trying to keep up, it's processing unresolved stuff, and it's holding on, not releasing.. so again I sit... I hear the voice again.. gentle tender darling.. it's happening.. relax, relax.. no need to panic..
It's just like when I am dealing with my kids.. they are resisting, refusing, usually I would stay calm for a time and then become frustrated, feel like i ran out of gas and eventually get angry.. the voice in my head said, NO, I object! this should not be!
After sitting with myself so patiently for hours.. trusting that release happens when it does, not before, we see when we see, we let go when we do, nothing we can do to make it happen, forcing, being violent with ourselves or others, does not work, it actually delays the process..
I am now finding that I can relax as I talk with my kids, patiently continuing to repeat my request, staying in my heart, staying in the love.. continuing to love myself.. and eventually it lets go, something moves.. the issue resolves.. it releases..
This is really all about finding the light within.. then helping others to find the light..
It's all about falling in love with mySelf, being the love.. letting it express fully through me..
So beautiful.. so grateful.. thank you divine mother for your guidance, for bringing me home.. what a long long road to nowhere..

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