Tuesday, August 17, 2010

My Reason for Existence..

Last night I finally watched the new Twilight movie, Eclipse. I read all 4 books a few years ago.. nothing but the Harry Potter series has gripped me quite like these book, I devoured all four books in less than a month, reading each of the 700 page books in just a few days.. it was a total escape from my life.. so romantic, exciting, delicious.. I thought it was so funny that i was totally loving reading a book series that my 10 yr old niece and my best friends 10 yr old son were both reading..

There is a scene toward the end of the movie where Edward is talking to Jake and he calls Bella "his reason for existence".. I paused the movie and took a breathe and let that line wash over me..
imagine another person (who was not insane or crazy co-dependent) saying "you" were the "reason for their existence" ... it is the ultimate romantic fantasy..

In the last few years I have had some amazing experiences with love.. I have been delivered into the arms of the most exquisite unconditional love I've ever found... simply by breathing with another person and surrendering to the energy. I have blown the ceiling off again and again of the heights of sexual ecstasy again letting the energy have "me" completely. I have danced in ecstatic dance and contact improv dance and had full body energetic orgasms in a room full of people dancing.. once again there is a letting go, the energy takes me... similar to the ocean taking you when you swim in it.. the immensity the seems to swallow up the sense of small separate self (a notion in the mind) and in the ceasing of that.. there is this deep relaxation into the allness that you truly are..

When this ceasing, relaxing, letting go, melting into ecstasy & unity... happens and I am engaged with another person (yes it sometimes happens sitting in satsang) there is often a sense of mental attachment to the other. "I think" that it's somehow about them, they are opening me, like a key that opens a door. This is followed by a stream of thoughts (later when the moment has long passed) that "I" want that bliss back and I need to be in contact with that person again to get it. If I ask myself in inquiry "is that true?" do i really need that person? that experience? am I in lack? missing something? or is that love, bliss, relaxation, peace, radiance... is it available now? it is in me? or outside?

There is a deep realization that this love is what I AM. It is like gravity, it is always here, always available. Sometimes it is subtle, quiet and still, other times it is like a great storm, raging and demolishing everything in it's course. But the essence is the same, the love is always here, the bliss is always available, whether i am dancing, making love, doing yoga, washing dishes, soaking in a jacuzzi, running on the beach, or playing with my kids.. it is the ground of being, it is found in deep surrender, in the calm that comes when we stop, when awareness drops out of the mind, into the body, into the ground, into the fullness, out of form an into the emptiness.

Yes of course it takes many forms and I personally prefer the ones where I am moaning, writhing, screaming, being danced, and laughing ... feeling so light that I may float to the top of the ceiling, so expanded that what I am fills all space, liberated beyond the mind, to that place where all is exceedingly well..

So that's just what the mind does, it attaches to an idea, an experience, a person, a drug... and it says this is IT! This is what I want.. and there is a narrowing ... feels like this immensity that you are squeezes into a little box.. the ocean identifies with being a wave, the branch thinks that it exists separate from the tree, that it is growing the fruit, it is the source...
When that drug of choice (food, person, experience, whatever) is not available or quits working for you.. then the inquiry begins.. when you want it (that release from the bondage of self) so bad, you'll do anything.. simply sit and ask... is this that I am looking for not already here?
Maybe our "reason for existence" is to realize that we are it, not the little idea of what we are, a personality, an object, a body... but what we really are, our essence... what we really want is to directly experience what we actually are..

St Francis says "What you are looking for.... is what is looking".

Love to hear from you...


  1. These last few months I have devoted my attention to asking “who is the one looking?” Whether my perspective at the moment is as the watcher or the watched when I ask this question I drop into a stillness and expansiveness where there is neither watcher or watched rather there is watching…in this moment. Such bliss.

    I’m not sure why but the more I surrender, the more I inquire the more I long for simplicity and space to just devote to this question. It has evolved from…”what is the reason for my existence” to just simply “what is the reason for existence?” The more I ask the less I know.

    These last few years have brought a deep, consuming longing to live through the Holy…to give up living separate from the truth that we are One…to follow the great mystery rather than my mind. I so relate to what you were describing about how the mind attaches to ideas, or people or whatever it can to maintain the familiar, the known…I so struggle to stay just in the noticing, the watching in every moment. As I experience struggle I continue to patiently surrender to the One and inquire to the small self that struggles…who is it that struggles?

    Your words are like nectar, the scent calling from this Holy One. Love Tecumseh

  2. Thank you for your description of ecstatic love. Especially 'surrendering to the energy', full bodied, energetic orgasms in a room full of people dancing', and 'moaning, writhing, screaming, being danced, and laughing...'. I think its probably the most fun two (or more) people can have. I think this pleasure is a birthright of all of us. Society, sensing the tremendous energy (and personal profit) that can be had from damming-up (and damning) this power, tries to teach us to be afraid of it. I hope I never forget how wonderful it is. Reading this and your other blogs has opened a door for me. Thank you. We do not need to scheme, barter, manipulate, dominate, submit, or otherwise contort our life to find this ecstatic love, but rather be not afraid, be open, and be willing to give and receive. As Saint Frances said ".... for it is in giving, that we receive", so I am willing to be an instrument of thy pleasure. Love Mike