an expression of perfection..

I was listening to a friend recently ... going on and on describing himself, I'm this, I'm that... mostly I noticed a focus on negativity, the age old past time of judging oneself, such fun!!

It's an easy habit to fall into.. this pervasive addiction to what's wrong, what's bad, what's broken. It's no surprise really, most of us are programed from very young that we are fundamentally flawed, we have to effort and strive to be "good", "enough", we have to achieve and accomplish and no matter what, it's never enough, I'm not enough, you are not enough.

See the theme here, looking for satisfaction "out there", in the doing, in the mind or in our experiences.. we never find it, maybe for 5 minutes, but then we want something else and are off again on another quest for the holy grail, whatever we think will do it.. a relationship, a degree, a baby, a fat bank account, a big house, retirement, it goes on and on..

So what to do.. all of these "thoughts" arise, this is good, this is bad, it's an automatic sorter, whatever arises, it is sorted and categorized at lightening speed. Focusing and emphasizing on the "descriptions" is the formula for the roller coaster ride for sure! Up and down forever.. it's good, it's bad, lack/ abundance, health sickness, it all arises, happy/ sad and on and on..

Developing this practice of noticing what's noticing.. what is aware of all of this? What is not affected by all that arises and flows on by? What is stable? What is constant?

It is sort of like an actor that can play many roles, one day a villain, the next day a hero.. endless labels and ways to describe the expression. No matter what role the actor plays however, he is still the actor, he is never the character, even if he forgets and thinks for a moment that he is the character, he never is. This is how it is with us, we forget our essence for a moment, getting all caught up and tangled in a label or description, we think we are the character but we aren't. We are the actor whether we remember it or not, we are always the actor, we can't not be what we fundamentally are.

As the actor, as awareness, as what's looking, what always is, we are fundamentally well, stable, whole, complete unto ourselves, perfect. Awareness is not affected at all by the parade of what comes and goes, much like a mirror is not affected by the image it reflects, or the movie screen is not affected by the movie, comedy or tragedy, cartoon or thriller, the screen is not impacted one bit, it remains completely as it is, untouched. Despite this - seemingly we've forgotten this basic well being that we are, we have trained ourselves to believe that thoughts, feelings, sensations and experiences are separate from awareness as opposed to simply the expression of this innate perfection. By the practice of recognition, just simply noticing awareness, clarity, we come to remember that this is what we actually are, rather than a stream of endless descriptions. This is what we are, an expression of perfection.. always an expression of perfection.. always... remember?

Taking 100% responsibility for my well being...

A few days ago.. i got some information.. Someone who I thought was handling something important did not handle it... a deadline passed and there was a probably going to be a penalty for several thousand dollars. When I inquired about why, I was told that it did not matter that it was not done by the deadline.

Well there was a flood of emotion, labels, judgments, big upset. Then the stories like snowballs rolling down a hill gained momentum and became bigger and bigger.

It was a huge opportunity for me.. several opportunities in fact...

1. Big opportunity for me to really get it that I can choose ...to rest, to pause.. to be still, to come back to mySelf, to hold to the awareness of my own fundamental well being. I can choose this in each here and now moment.

Well being is always here, like gravity, whether I want to acknowledge it or not. Choosing to be aware of this stability is always an option. I can choose to emphasize and rely on this awareness that is always here, i can relax for a second.

When I do that, I come to know myself more and more as this stability, wholeness, perfection, having everything, needing nothing, complete.. in my essence.

2. In the past I've told myself that situations, people, events were the cause of what was arising in me, my upset was caused by this person or this situation. Now I am seeing more clearly that the thoughts and feelings that arise, just arise, they are not caused by anything. In seeing that, I can just relax and let everything be as it is. Rather than getting lost in a story about how this situation has to change in order for me to be ok. Again, well being is available here and now by relaxing and letting it all be as it is. What i've started to notice is that whatever thoughts or feelings are arising internally as I let them all be as they are, they will begin to self release on their own when I don't try to get rid of them, stuff them down or shift away from what's arising. So I just sat with the thoughts, upset, fear, discomfort... and I found that as I just relaxed for a moment whenever I remembered to, there was a natural movement and release.

2 nights ago I was sitting under the full moon, noticing how bright the moon was. A few hours later I sat again in the same spot looking up at the sky, the moon had moved (or rather the earth had moved), I could not see it at all. Everything is constantly moving and shifting, in nature, as well as with thoughts, feelings and experiences, it's the way things are, constantly changing and moving. So it is with all things, they arise, express and self release. Only when I let everything be as it is do I notice this natural flow and release of all that appears.

So it's been about 48 hours since I got this news about this paperwork not being filed, and it's so funny, well it is all resolved now.. after resting in openness for 36 hours or so.. asking a few questions and getting some information, i was able to communicate clearly without any drama or upset, I noticed that i was not feeling afraid, it was really amazing.. I was able to express what I learned about the situation, even express what I thought that perhaps there was just an avoidance that was behind not filing the paperwork.

I was able to ask for what I wanted (getting the papers filed in the next week). It was a calm, respectful conversation and I felt such clarity and capacity to address the situation in the moment without any big story running. I knew very clearly that my well being and stability was not dependent on any result at all, it was here, very obvious simply in the moment to moment acknowledgment of it.

Bigger than all of this.. is the clarity that my awareness of my innate well being is 100% my responsibility, My fundamental well being is not touched by what anyone says or does, Open Intelligence is not impacted by anything that occurs or does not occur, it is dependent on nothing, it is self reliant, self contained, independent of anything that comes and goes.

Also i got very clearly that whatever data or energy or sensation that arises.. it is not caused by an event, person, or thought.. it just arises.. as i rest as openness beyond causation... i tap into this clarity, stability, profound well being that is not impacted by anything that comes and goes...

I see the perfection, i see how everything serves this perfection, there is just the deepening into this natural perfection. The greater and greater expanse that is expressed...

focusing on what I'm grateful for and what I appreciate..

Seeing clearly that this habit of blaming others or even telling myself that something is wrong and it needs to change in order for me to be happy, making my well being dependent on anything that changes like the weather... is really a formula for unhappiness. Clearly focusing on what is wrong with others, wrong with the world, wrong with me, wrong period creates for a miserable life.. Forgetting that well being is available here and now as i rest in openness, relax and let things be as they are results in a life of endless seeking.. this experience will make me happy, this relationship, this job, having a baby... but if i am not aware of the fundamental well being that is underneath all the descriptions of what i am.. then i am always looking for it..

Like a fish looking for water.. silly when you finally see it..

When I am finally able to take 100% responsibility for my own well being, i can stop blaming others for somehow denying me whatever i need to be happy. If only they'd love me more, treat me better, show up this way of that, take care of me, make me feel special, fulfilled.. whatever...

Suddenly "they" are off the hook and instead of criticizing them for not playing the role i've assigned... i can see others in a clear way .... instead of running the story of what i am not getting, i shift to realizing that my true nature is to be of benefit.. to myself and others.. in this natural expression of spontaneous benefit, I'm able to flow gratitude and appreciation rather than expectation and disappointment.. then I'm free!!

When i focus on what I appreciate about in others, especially the one's who I am the most challenged by.. those I've judged the most, been the most hurt by, had the greatest expectations of, seen the least, had the biggest stories about.. my heart is suddenly full where i thought there was lack and heartache. Flowing appreciation is the natural expression of fullness and well being.. it's a bonus that it feels awesome.

So I have a choice.. moment to moment.. I can come to know myself and others as the expression of awareness, what is always here, well being itself, whole complete and perfect by nature. I can choose to rest as this open spacious awareness as often as i remember and relax. This is where clarity comes from.. this restful space, this is the peace that passeth understanding.. stability that underlies all that comes and goes.. all appearance.. the ground of being..

We all have this choice, whether we realize it or not.. we can listen to the stream of thoughts and feelings, living at the whim of our data stream.. seeking forever this scenario or that... or we can rest for a moment as the openness that we are.. come back to ourselves, relax and take it easy the AA book says.. we don't struggle.... pause... keep coming back to ourselves.. to our true nature, to reality. Remember Remember Remember...