love brings up everything...

I had a recent conversation with a friend who is back in the dating scene after being married for many years. She expressed lots of feelings about new relationships and dating, the bottom line that was up for her.. She doesn't want to hurt anyone.
We began a dialogue about being hurt, hurting about hurting others, being accused of hurting others, how to resolve our hurts from the past...
I understand feeling hurt, as far back as i can remember I have felt hurt by others. I'd have to say that others rarely play the role that I've assigned them. I've had a steady stream of not feeling important, not feeling valued, not being a priority, not being seen, heard, cherished. There is a whole belief system about not being enough, not having enough, things not being good enough, bottom line, lack..
The result of believing this stream of thought is hurt... deep hurt.. Because I've felt it for so long, it has history, momentum and often especially in childhood, it was more than I could handle, I didn't have the skills to resolve it. What I've learned is that when we feel something that is too much, when we feel overwhelmed, we often project it, in an attempt to lessen our burden, on to another, it's their fault!
I also know about blame, blame is what we do when we can't take responsibility or we can't deal with how we feel, we lay it on someone else. I've found myself lately in loads of blame and hurt and fear. I've been fighting to keep my marriage alive for years- trying everything, separation, moving, breaking up, open relationship, etc.. This is after 8 years of doing relationship workshops and this is where I land.. in a cesspool of hurt, blame and anger.
Also recently another very close friend has expressed how I have hurt them, spoken unkindly, been sharp toned and critical, not valued our deep connection and relationship, I was told that if I continued in this way this friend would not be in my life. They did not want to be hurt by me.
This is what we often do in relationships, if the other person does not play the role that we want them to, if they don't love us, support us, take care of us, be loyal, be truthful, show up as we want... we withdraw, we criticize them, threaten to leave them, punish them, or yell at them.
We feel hurt (and we can't bare it) so we blame, we tell ourselves that the other person or the situation has to change in order for us to be ok. We believe that they have caused our hurt, they are the cause and eventually we hate them for it or we leave them. Often we are angry at ourselves for not taking better care of ourselves, not standing up for ourselves, we turn on ourselves because we can't seem to resolve the hurt within.
It certainly seems like relationships reveal where we are unresolved, they show us what we needed to address internally and give us a chance to find resolve within.
However if we don't realize this, we think that what others do causes our pain, our hurt, if only they'd change, then we'd be alright. This is where we stay so long as we are unable to resolve this internally, we blame, we criticize, we condemn and what is unresolved within us, stays unresolved, unmet.

As I spoke to my friend I heard myself say.. well lets take a look at hurt. It is entirely subjective, what is devastating for one person is not for another, depends on our past, our conditioning, our beliefs. One person may find your habits intollerable while another thinks they are funny. We may be hurt by present circumstances or sometimes the past arises and we are reacting to something unresolved within us, having little to do with what is happening now. It can get all jumbled together and it can be difficult to seperate it out.

So maybe we have a choice... we can move with unconscious reactivity, blame, create drama, leave, be right... or we can stop and notice.. wow I'm triggered, there is something happening here for me.. and we can get curious.. maybe I can just BE here, notice what's here for me, notice what's happening in my body, notice tension or holding or heaviness in my body, wonder if I can just allow that? Is it ok that this is here now? or is it not ok?
I often notice that it's not ok, I don't want to feel anxious, stressed, terror, tense, rejected, fear..
It's not ok with me.. and here is the cause of the suffering... so wonder if I could just be here, feel what's here, allow what's here to be here...
This is a practice that can help us to find internal resolve for our past. It begins with taking the time each day to sit quietly, to pause, to be still. To begin to notice what is actually happening here and now so that we can begin to sort out are we even here or are we immersed in the past?

Once we begin to notice what's here, we can ask is it ok for this to be here, if it is ok, we could just notice that, sink into it, beginning to come more and more into the awareness of being here, allowing what's here to be here, noticing how sensations, emotions, experiences move through and naturally releases.
If we notice that whatever is here is not ok, not ok to feel the fear, the anger, the pain, often this is not ok.. I can notice that too, and back off a bit, taking it slow, noticing if there is tenderness here to meet this fear, this wound, the tension.
If I can sit with feeling hurt or fear of hurting others, if I can sit with fear, judgment, pain, if I can just notice these as sensations in the body when they arise, I can be present with myself, I can be here, this is what I really want - to be here, to not be fighting with myself, at war with myself, at war with others, keeping the war going.

So I can ask myself.. what do I want? how do I want to BE with myself? How do I want to care for myself? Can I notice what's here, what arises? Can I be here? Is there tenderness here? Can I let the tenderness touch against these wounds in me, the fear, the hurt? Can I stop and be still with myself and just be here?

Would love to hear how this is working for you.. much love JoAnne

I can see clearly now..

Finally there is a tapping into the internal GPS system.. ahhhh the map, clear directions, this is the way home, follow the map, turn right here, keep going.. skillful navigation, clear seeing.. such a relief..

Recently there has been the experience of feeling very lost, confused, frustrated, the mind striving to make sense of the intense unraveling that has been happening in my life... things not working out, the core areas of relationships and finances in a state of disarray..

So much mental looping, lost in thoughts, judgments, concluding, scenarios, the mind is like a fog machine that appears to obscure reality. There has been an overall panic, flailing, an inability to land, come to rest, an inability to trust in the unfolding.

There has been this clinging, like a baby monkey clings to it's mothers back to external form, to people, relationships, structures.. and yet with all the desire to cling that the fear of falling compels ... the forms continue to fall away..

Truth communicated to me very clearly this last weekend.. relax my darling, just relax..

let everything move through you, be porous and let it all move through, no need to hold on to anything, it all comes to pass. I felt that I was held so tenderly, huge constructs of fear fell away.. trust your breath, come back to your heart, pray and ask for guidance.. ask to be shown, let your whole life be a prayer..

I have this little stone in my hand, I squeeze it.. no more getting lost in experiences.. no more indulgence in the positive ones, no more avoiding or running from the tough ones.. just sit here in the love, love everything that's here, let it pass through, nothing can actually touch you, there is this that is untouched, rest here.. No more losing sight of the what is actually happening here, the journey home, the return to our true nature, coming back into the realization that we never actually left, walking this road that actually goes nowhere, no more forgetting..

I saw that I've been holding on to a relationship out of fear... just a simple misunderstanding, I thought that this full expression that I am wanted to express in that relationship.. but the expansion is within, not in the without.. it is not about clinging to any person, the work is always within.. be the love, love everything that arises here, all reactivity- fear, feeling lost, frustration, whatever it is, let it land, love it home, be with it.. all I really want is to be here!

I think I want him to do this, them to do that, this to work out this way or that.. even thinking I want to see clearly.. underneath it all, I just want to BE here, I want to be here, at rest, recognize that I am this hereness, not a something..

So the fear is falling away as I remember.. all I want is to Be what I am, here, present, in that there is a strong awareness that everything that is needed is here, it's all here, everything. This that maintains and sustains this life has access to everything .. it's all here within.. stay here, look here, not out there, it's not out there.. enough with the looking out there.. it's here!

The love is here, the guidance is here, no more doubting.. no more wandering off.. getting lost.. come home to yourself.. stay present, whatever you need is here, relax, relax, relax..

Such clear guidance, thank you thank you..

As i sit I notice intense holding in the body.. the body is always trying to keep up, it's processing unresolved stuff, and it's holding on, not releasing.. so again I sit... I hear the voice again.. gentle tender darling.. it's happening.. relax, relax.. no need to panic..

It's just like when I am dealing with my kids.. they are resisting, refusing, usually I would stay calm for a time and then become frustrated, feel like i ran out of gas and eventually get angry.. the voice in my head said, NO, I object! this should not be!

After sitting with myself so patiently for hours.. trusting that release happens when it does, not before, we see when we see, we let go when we do, nothing we can do to make it happen, forcing, being violent with ourselves or others, does not work, it actually delays the process..

I am now finding that I can relax as I talk with my kids, patiently continuing to repeat my request, staying in my heart, staying in the love.. continuing to love myself.. and eventually it lets go, something moves.. the issue resolves.. it releases..

This is really all about finding the light within.. then helping others to find the light..

It's all about falling in love with mySelf, being the love.. letting it express fully through me..

So beautiful.. so grateful.. thank you divine mother for your guidance, for bringing me home.. what a long long road to nowhere..

The circle of creation...

Down the rabbit hole... through the looking glass... into another dimension of awareness.. back to before it all began..

There we stood in a circle, 10 or so of us, about the business of creation..

here's the setting, the plot, the story.. you be the saint, i'll be the evil one, you the condemner, you the victim, we went around the circle assigning roles.. characteristics, scenarios, we created a language, agreeing on what meant what, we formed a tribe, a culture, procedures, laws, decided the meaning of things..

we all looked at each other, winked and said, "ok, let's do it".

And we jumped into our creation running every possible human expression, every scenario, we played it out 100 Trillion ways, over and over and over... This went on and on..

Now I get it.. having finally seen the opening scene of this act of creation.... it was obvious that everything was merely a creation, a set of characters, scenarios, scenes.. over and over and over.. it was like discovering the Rosetta Stone, the code was broken, the endless stream of thinking that i was the character and that's all that I was.

For so long, it's been confusing, like I've been watching a movie but i missed the first 20 minutes, so I did not really get what the point was... but having seen the whole movie now, it was clear that nothing really meant what I thought it did, we gave everything the meaning it had, it was only what we had created and agreed on, it was an endless game, apparently we wanted to have every experience, to play every role, explore all aspects in this game of life, feel everything, our formless nature pouring itself over and over into all forms, tasting everything, like one giant smorgasbord..

Suddenly it seemed exhausting.. E n o u g h.... I finally said.. this is stupid, enough! In the peering through this looking glass it seemed that all that had happened, the totality of evolution.. somehow squished into 2 hours... an eternity of scenes, including all of creation occurring all at once, very rapidly, overlapping and all at the same time... Enough.. it was overwhelming.. make it stop.. this is stupid.. enough...

But it did not stop, no one could make it stop, they couldn't ... it was happening.. a voice whispered, relax.. relax... breathe, come back to your heart JoAnne, just see what is here, just look, what is seeing, what is looking?? Remember the opening scene???

I saw later that it's not the scenarios that are stupid, it's not the situations or people that actually cause our deep fear of life... It's the believing that we are the characters solely, that all that is happening are the scenes and they are happening to us.. I hate forgetting about the circle of creation, when we plan it all out, create it, assign value, decide what will happen and when.. the suffering is in forgetting that and in forgetting the wink, the agreement, what we wanted in the beginning, to taste it all, to forget and remember, forget and remember..

Remember JoAnne, remember the agreement, what is actually happening here, remember that this is the game of life, you wanted to taste it all... and while you may be experiencing it all... bliss and suffering, lack and abundance, love and betrayal, accusation and devastation, communion and deep peace... you are none of these experiences solely, they all come and go, what you are... always is... come back to the remembrance of the totality of what you are at your essence, what is untouched by all of these, pristine, the same before during and after all of life has occurred.. Remember??

Letting go...

Last weekend I sat with an incredible group of souls, speaking of this journey of remembering what we truly are, abiding in that truth and letting it be in full expression in this life. There was a collective intention to be very clear that this remembering is why we are here, it is what is primary, the first priority, what is most needed for healing; for the planet, for our humanity, to bring about unity consciousness, to find peace, to be an instrument of that peace.

The journey was one of discovering what stands in the way of this and to fully meet: the blocks, the stories, the holding, the resistance, the conditioning, the preferences, the attachment, self protection, self reliance, separation, coping mechanisms, avoidance, distractions..

It was not what I thought.. simply I heard.. just be the love that you are.. and let everything fall away.. sounds good right? nothing new, just let go.. let whatever the blocks are fall away.. I said Yes, Yes, Yes, no holding back, truth take me, take me, take me.. absolutely yes!

This was my prayer.. I had no idea.. later I found myself curled up, in deep suffering, mental anguish, begging for relief, in deep doubt that i'd made a huge mistake and was in way over my head... I had no idea how much resistance there was arising in me, such deep holding, such fear, my whole body locked down tightly, panicking, no relief...

the angels around me were whispering, this is your work JoAnne, come back to your heart, pray and ask for guidance, come back to your breath, try to relax and let it happen, this is what you asked for, this is what you prayed for, you have to walk through it .. let it happen, breathe, relax..

It's amazing that is exactly what I learned in my Bradley Birthing class 11 years ago, your body knows what to do, just breathe, relax and let is happen, don't panic..

This letting go was also a birth and they same tools were required. Unfortunately I did not feel that I could do it.. I felt like I had to die to something to allow something to be born and it truly felt like dying.. dying to the resistance, to the holding, trying to manage and control the experience, dying to the fight, all efforts to protect myself, I had to walk through the fiery angst and let the realization of what I am beyond all of that be born..

I had no idea what letting go really meant, it's easy if there is no resistance, but this one was not easy, it took all of "me", literally.. the discovery of the essence of what I am wanted full possession, no room in the inn for the misunderstandings, limitations, small ideas, mental concepts, they all had to be released... they did not let go easily... there was a fight, but the angels were whispering... constant guidance... this is what you want JoAnne, this is for you.. come back to your heart JoAnne, I promise you are absolutely fine.. stay with it.. step through it.. your are so loved, you are so loved, you are so loved..

Finally things started to relax, breath deepened, remembering happened, I know I heard myself say, I know, I know.. I remember, this is how opening to what you are happens, much like the uterus must contract violently to open to allow for birth... all resistance, all holding, all attempts to protect, control, manage, must be revealed... must be fully revealed, allowed, seen through and released.. eventually they release.. relaxation did happen, softening did happen, opening did happen..

I was reborn, into conscious awareness, into that space of remembering, remembering that I am the love..

all i can think to say now is Thank you, Thank you, Thank you Great Spirit, Divine Mother, Grandmother.. so much gratitude... I had no idea..

Your purpose in life??

"discover your purpose".. this morning i saw yet another teacher offering for a workshop to help people drop into "the rabbit hole", as Alice did, coming into Wonderland, where things don't make sense to the mind and finally the mental constructs are abandoned to the process of discovery, accessing what the moment has to offer... to find their unique purpose in life. There are many paths in this journey of discovery, in fact all of life is offering itself in each moment, what if our "purpose" is offered in each instant, in every activity, from washing the dishes, every encounter we have with everyone we meet, every sensory experience, all creative expressions. What if our purpose is simply to be present in each moment, available for the fullness of life, to "be" here now, feeling, seeing, appreciating, in awe of life in it's full expression.

The invitation is to "be" aware of both the expression and the life that is it's source. Much like seeing nature in the winter, it may look dormant, dead even, asleep, but there is awareness of the life that is in each tree that will be "springing" forth in the next expression we call Spring. The fullness of life that will be buds, leaves, flowers and fruit. This is alive even when we see Winter and so it is with all expressions of life.

What if the "purpose" of life is to be aware of this fullness, to enjoy and appreciate all the expressions, to full embody this human "being" experience. What if the purpose in each moment is to be present, fully, in enjoyment, in love, in awe of the richness of life? What if the purpose is to be here, in this body, aware of the energy that is expressing as all of life, in flight with the birds, scurrying underground and in the trees as the gophers and squirrels, playing as the children, swimming as the fish, creating as the artists, blowing as the wind, shining as the sun.

My children are constant reminders to me as they are so fully present with the activities of the moment, rather than caught up in thinking, reflecting, referencing the past, projecting into the future. In this moment I am camping in Carpinteria with our homeschool group, about 20 families.. I am watching 10 kids hula hooping, another group of 10 sitting in circle playing a game and laughing, others tending a fire and a few at the beach.. doing whatever they feel drawn to do in the moment, creating, playing, expressing, being lived by life, present, alive in each moment, playing, sometimes crying, helping each other, sometimes hurting each other, experimenting and trying stuff out. As I watch them, one of my favorite activities, I am reminded of how present they are, awareness very much in their bodies, feeling, discovering, open to life expressing in each moment..

I am also watching the birds in flight, feeling the sun on my face and listening to the ocean crash into the beach... and it occurs to me that this is the purpose of life here now, to be here, to feel the aliveness of this moment, to notice how life is breathing as this life called JoAnne, beating this heart, feeling the fullness, the love, the appreciation and immense gratitude to simply be here now.. present.. and a smile arises.. and I remember what a master said that has been a mantra for many years.. All is well.. and everything is unfolding exactly as it is..

My Reason for Existence..

Last night I finally watched the new Twilight movie, Eclipse. I read all 4 books a few years ago.. nothing but the Harry Potter series has gripped me quite like these book, I devoured all four books in less than a month, reading each of the 700 page books in just a few days.. it was a total escape from my life.. so romantic, exciting, delicious.. I thought it was so funny that i was totally loving reading a book series that my 10 yr old niece and my best friends 10 yr old son were both reading..

There is a scene toward the end of the movie where Edward is talking to Jake and he calls Bella "his reason for existence".. I paused the movie and took a breathe and let that line wash over me..

imagine another person (who was not insane or crazy co-dependent) saying "you" were the "reason for their existence" ... it is the ultimate romantic fantasy..

In the last few years I have had some amazing experiences with love.. I have been delivered into the arms of the most exquisite unconditional love I've ever found... simply by breathing with another person and surrendering to the energy. I have blown the ceiling off again and again of the heights of sexual ecstasy again letting the energy have "me" completely. I have danced in ecstatic dance and contact improv dance and had full body energetic orgasms in a room full of people dancing.. once again there is a letting go, the energy takes me... similar to the ocean taking you when you swim in it.. the immensity the seems to swallow up the sense of small separate self (a notion in the mind) and in the ceasing of that.. there is this deep relaxation into the allness that you truly are..

When this ceasing, relaxing, letting go, melting into ecstasy & unity... happens and I am engaged with another person (yes it sometimes happens sitting in satsang) there is often a sense of mental attachment to the other. "I think" that it's somehow about them, they are opening me, like a key that opens a door. This is followed by a stream of thoughts (later when the moment has long passed) that "I" want that bliss back and I need to be in contact with that person again to get it. If I ask myself in inquiry "is that true?" do i really need that person? that experience? am I in lack? missing something? or is that love, bliss, relaxation, peace, radiance... is it available now? it is in me? or outside?

There is a deep realization that this love is what I AM. It is like gravity, it is always here, always available. Sometimes it is subtle, quiet and still, other times it is like a great storm, raging and demolishing everything in it's course. But the essence is the same, the love is always here, the bliss is always available, whether i am dancing, making love, doing yoga, washing dishes, soaking in a jacuzzi, running on the beach, or playing with my kids.. it is the ground of being, it is found in deep surrender, in the calm that comes when we stop, when awareness drops out of the mind, into the body, into the ground, into the fullness, out of form an into the emptiness.

Yes of course it takes many forms and I personally prefer the ones where I am moaning, writhing, screaming, being danced, and laughing ... feeling so light that I may float to the top of the ceiling, so expanded that what I am fills all space, liberated beyond the mind, to that place where all is exceedingly well..

So that's just what the mind does, it attaches to an idea, an experience, a person, a drug... and it says this is IT! This is what I want.. and there is a narrowing ... feels like this immensity that you are squeezes into a little box.. the ocean identifies with being a wave, the branch thinks that it exists separate from the tree, that it is growing the fruit, it is the source...

When that drug of choice (food, person, experience, whatever) is not available or quits working for you.. then the inquiry begins.. when you want it (that release from the bondage of self) so bad, you'll do anything.. simply sit and ask... is this that I am looking for not already here?

Maybe our "reason for existence" is to realize that we are it, not the little idea of what we are, a personality, an object, a body... but what we really are, our essence... what we really want is to directly experience what we actually are..

St Francis says "What you are looking for.... is what is looking".

Love to hear from you...

Can you feel your Ocean ness?

In the game of life it often seems that we play the game of thinking that we are waves and forgetting we are truly the ocean itself. I spent the day today up in Ojai at our new home. It is a lush paradise of eucalyptus trees, bamboo and green all around with waterfalls, coy pond and birds singing their songs..

Deep relaxation is easy here, i actually took a nap in the hammock by the pool. Sitting in the garden listening to the water flowing I breathed deeply remembering the ocean of being that I truly am.

Much of the suffering of the separate self is identifying and absorption in form, believing that i am a wave, staring at the shore and forgetting that the wave is merely an expression of the whole, forgetting that the wave is really the ocean itself. Deep relaxation is the practice of remembering, the glancing backward at source.. ocean rather than only at the shore of expression.

The day was full of celebration... early morning run taking in the beauty of the landscape, drumming circle at midday and watching the kids play in the fountain and hula hooping in the park. I watched my 7 yr old beat his dad 2 games of horseshoes, clearly delighted. We ate a beautiful dinner in community and soaked in the jacuzzi under the night sky watching a shower of shooting stars.

As darkness descends all around, the crickets are singing, the waterfall is flowing and I am feeling the ocean, the source of all of life, in the trees, the waterfall, the silence.. breathing in all that moves and all that is still.