Please.. don't leave me! What we actually want to hold on to..

Do you have one of those special people in your life? Somebody who seems to be able to "cause" a certain type of reactivity in you consistently? One of those who you want more than anything for them to just be kind to you and when they are short, insensitive, or less than loving or helpful, god forbid critical, it seems to send you straight to rage, hatred or deep despair and feeling wounded and deflated. Commonly spouses, family members or maybe our kids seem to be those "special" people, those closest to us, the ones we want to love the most, show up the best for, yet these are the very ones that we are often so triggered by and it seems like we really need these folks to love us (or so we think) in very particular ways and not respond to us in less sensitive or critical ways. These special people seem to have sticky notes attached to their foreheads, our stories about them are all we seem to notice, we're so caught up in our descriptions about these folks that we don't see them at all. All we really see is our story of who we "think" they are.

As we are often striving for healthier ways of being with ourselves, speaking with ourselves, relating to ourselves & referencing ourselves, we naturally want to surround ourselves with folks that are caring, respectful, kind and loving. I for one can say for sure that I am drawn to folks who see me for who I truly am, a reflection of perfection, divine spirit, whole, complete and possessing infinite capacity to know my true self & to express this fully in my life. To be around someone who knows their true nature, that they are beneficial my nature, here to benefit themselves and others is remarkable.

To know someone who is no longer caught up in endless self focus, self concern, who is no longer caught up in their own personal history, well to meet someone like this opens one up to that capacity that we all actually have. It gives us hope. That we to can have this liberation as is mentioned in the St Francis Prayer, It is in self forgetting that one finds. So some folks are here to push our buttons and some are here to shine the light on the path so we know the way back to the full remembrance of who and what we actually are. Well what I notice is that it's nicer to be with the people who are holding the flashlights and

guiding us along when it seems to be dark and we aren't sure where to go. I prefer to be with the kind people rather than the ones that seem to evoke the venom in me.. are you with me here?

It's an easy trap to fall into to think I'm just gonna stay away from those mean folks, so we get divorced, cut ourselves off, move on.. but for the most part it doesn't work, we find new people to push our buttons, for as long as we have the buttons...

This can be especially true when we are on a spiritual path, in recovery, working on ourselves, striving for healthier ways of relating, bringing more consciousness or awareness to our relating, practicing spiritual principles in our relationships.

It's a real art to take 100% responsibility for our own experience. To own it. To say "this is my frustration, my sadness,my reactivity, my story, it's not caused by anyone or anything, it arises in me, here and I have a choice in how I respond to it."

In my young life, I was taught and learned the habit of blaming others for my discomfort, pain and anguish. I found substances early in life and followed the grown ups around me and learned to shift my experience to avoid what I could not bare or deal with. Blaming, replacing, avoiding, indulging..

these were the tools in my tool kit and after about 10 years I wound up in an AA meeting and the journey of self responsibility and discovering my true divine spirit began.

So that was 20 years ago and today the practice for me is very simple, rely on what you are.. not the descriptions that I have taken myself to be.. it's moment to moment, relax and remember who and what I am, notice what's looking in any moment, relax the thinking for moment, what's here? Just awareness..

No story, no descriptions, no story, just awareness, clarity, well being, total benefit, aliveness, energy, infinite wisdom and capacity, open and spacious. Have you noticed?

Over and over whenever you remember, relax and open and let everything be clarified, see everything from the wide open perspective of the "view" the balanced view, rather than the little limited "point of view" where we categorize everything into good and bad and strive for the good and run from the bad.

Last night I had one of those Ah Ha moments, I had a brief conversation with my most special button pusher, he said this, I got triggered and was off to the races, he's this, he's that, blah blah blah..

God intervened... my itunes started playing on it's own, (my phone is doing strange things lately) a song that I love by Pink called Please don't leave me. In the song she says basically that she can't believe how mean and nasty she can become when her heart feels broken and she begs.. please don't leave me.. Over the years I've sang this song out and felt such emotion when i've felt abandoned and left by someone.. but last night I really heard it.

It was like my true self was singing it to me.. begging me to not abandon and forget the love that I am.

Yes I can be so mean and nasty when my heart feels broken, but I have a choice, we all do. I can feel the fullness of the emotion of the moment, stay present with what's here and ask myself what do I want to inform and influence my actions? I can empower myself by relying on this intelligence and stability that I am (I picture a giant 400 yr old Redwood tree) for short moments, to pause and notice what's looking, to stay in the fully recognition and awareness of this love intelligence that we are, to not go back to sleep and stumble around seemingly with Amnesia. We can stay awake and aware to what we really are, we can commit 100% to this, and in doing so everything becomes so clear, we come to know our innate stability, what about us is not affected if others are nice or not. This well being is a constant, stable, acknowledged, fundamental and who and what we really are.

This is liberation, enlightenment, what we all want, what we all already are, but not necessarily conscious of..

So we commit to the practice or remembering, becoming conscious that we have a choice, to Please don't leave me! (this conscious awareness of what we actually are).

warm water and your own breath.. all you need to wake up..

a story about waking up in the body to the reality that we are..

bathing in the rich mineral waters that flow from the earth

melting into the warmth, held by the rocks and the mud below

the tension releasing into the spring, eyes closed,

falling deep into that space of oneness with mother earth

I soaked and I got lost in sounds of running water

cool air on my skin and the sense of me fading away as the night sky came to be

I scrubbed the mud, rocks and sand against my skin and this incredible life force

surged up floating and warm my body giving way to the water

I felt completely free and at one with all the miraculous nature all around me

when the warm made me feel sleepy I headed for the ice cold water and plunged in

electric shocks shot through me and I relaxed and sat in the stream for as long as i could

back to the warmth, touching every rock, feeling like the energy of the rock was ancient

as was I held, so loving held and fed by the spring

I started being breathed by life itself, deep breaths, so much energy coming into the body, trembling and shaking, this went on for some time, life was moving through me in such a profound way, filling me completely as if to push out what was ready to go...

I felt a deep release happening, letting go.. letting go of so much that I'd been holding onto

(to what i thought I needed, what I thought I was), the rocks and the water

seemed to be pulling it out of me, there was no resistance, I was ready to let it all go.

All that the body was holding was moving on, in the deep relaxation and release something

new was being born, a spaciousness, an aliveness, an openness.. it continued to expand and open..

the breath grew deeper and faster, then the tears began to flow, energy surging through me, pouring out through my arms, in my tears, in each exhale, I shook and i moaned, deep lion breath exhales letting it all out.

wow wow wow, through the intensity, there was so much calm and relaxation and presence!

Each moment flowed one to the next, with such intelligence, I felt the perfection as if everything was in its perfect time, all I had to do was just to let it be.. let it be..

What followed the deep movement and release was laughter, I was filled with a sense of lightness and carefree abandon..

I started to play and giggle, blowing bubbles and singing out..

sheer delight, of the sound of rubbing rocks together in my hands, feeling the smoothness

and roughness as the same time, this went on for a long time..

but the deep relaxedness and alert awareness remained, I stayed completely with myself..

As my body floated and danced in the water every movement was a celebration of

sensuality, it was as if all of nature was making love to me, showing me this delight of love

that was innate and so obvious.

And so in continued, giggles, surrendering deeper into the warmth and totally

letting it have me, completely present unto myself, all the way here, in each moment,

here and loving it..

so so so grateful.. for this life, this openness, this perfection.. so much appreciation!