falling back into mySelf.. always..

I sat this morning in my 7am AA meeting feeling a bit uninspired by the sharing. A copy of the Tao Te Ching in my lap, I open it periodically, read a page and sit eyes closed for a few minutes letting Lao Tzo's words wash over the content of thoughts that seems to cloud true perception of the well being that some part of me knows is always there. I listen to many stories of the past, feeling a little bored as I breathe in awareness of the talk, the room, the community, the ocean, occasionally tapping my foot on the floor to remind myself of the ground of being, that which holds me, supports me, the sense of being that I AM.

Continuing to breathe, I reflect on the conversation I had last night with Steve my husband.

In the last 2 weeks we've spent a lot of time together without our kids, a rare occurrence.

We've talked, we've played, gone to ecstatic dance, done partner yoga, contact improv www.contactimprovla.com), acro yoga, tantra, eye gazing, etc.. in short... reconnection.

Over the last 5 years we've explored living separately, reconnection & profound healing, being in relationships with others (and processing all that that experience brings up),being in open relationship - all the while ever deepening.. our spiritual practice, realization of our fullness, immersion in spiritual community, & growing awareness of ourselves as energetic beings.

We've both had many awakenings, worked with amazing teachers and most recently come into ever deepening desire to live and express this love that we are and it seems that enough of the blocks that were between us have been removed, dissolved, addressed..

So now there is discussion of living together again, living in community with others, living in a smaller town than i've ever lived in.. the discussion brought up a lot in me to look at. As I am sitting in the meeting i started to list the fears that arose.. falling back into old patterns of unconsciousness, fears of falling into the boredom of daily life, taking one another for granted, being a bit scared about what can surface living in community with others (i've done it before), facing myself - insecurities, inadequacies, facing it all.. it's the deepest work i've done. It's really sitting in the fear of I'm in over my head, i can't sustain this tremendous flow of love and devotion, something will go wrong, it will be a mess.. i wrote it all down..

As i wrote and saw it on paper, i began to relax.. a voice within said .. ok, ok, ok.. yes that might be, whatever, it will be what it will be, you don't really know do you, you really are not doing this anyways, it's not up to you (that little thought that you think you are), into the mystery joanne, into the mystery you go... let your heart lead you.. wonder what you'll find??

I began to relax, began to smile, began to feel curious, full of a sense of discovery, excited about the infinite possibilities. Out of my head, released from the bondage of self, into the spaciousness, aware of the ground, the context rather than the content, the space rather than the form, back into mySelf, AHHHHH. Liberation, deep relaxation, being..

as the story unravels the heart opens and shines..

This week i got some real clarity as i wrote out an inventory on primarily my relationship with my husband but also with my boys.

I listed my resentments & hurts, looked deeply at how they affected my self esteem, security, finances, sex & personal relations and then I wrote out my part in the hurt and resentment. It was illuminating to say the least. What i saw clearly when i was done reviewing it with a friend (took about 4 hours) was that my "stories" about my hurts and resentments were just that, stories, not true, not real.

They were full of blame and fantasy and delusion, The primary ones of "he is withholding from me" and "not showing up for me" were merely perspective, viewpoint, interpretation, story. When i listed my part I saw selfishness and entitlement, it felt like a little girl trying to get others to recognize her, shower her with love and attention. Not there is anything wrong with receiving, it is quite wonderful as we all know, but to think that i need it, and if i don't get it then something is wrong and it's a problem and i am incomplete is to not know my own nature, my own fullness, source, presence.

It was exactly the opposite as the prayer - Lord grant that i may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted, to understand than to be understood, to loved than to be loved, for it is by self forgetting that one finds.

When i see clearly that the stories i've been circulating and believing are not true AND i take responsibility for the misunderstanding underneath my actions, it all starts to crumble like a house of cards.. my ideas of who my husband is, who my sons are, the images the mind creates, images of myself, all mere shadows, it's a very small life that's created but as the image shatters reality presents itself. It feels like my heart opens, there is a feeling of lightness and joy, there is softness, compassion, humor, love and tenderness.

Here is where Presence begins, i can actually be here now, not in the past, stuck in a story, in a fantasy that has a set pattern of withdrawal, protection, selfishness, childish behavior. Now i am actually available, here, rather than caught up in what i need from you, or lack or seeing what is as a problem.

Now I am available to source, God, light, presence, fullness, aliveness, what ever you want to call it.. i can feel it now, i can rest in it, it is actually what I am, this awareness, clarity, things become clear here.

When things got clear I saw a few things.. the stories i've been running with are not true.

i am actually not in need, i am the fullness, there is a tremendous capacity to flow this love that I am ..

No matter how "others" are in any given moment, doing what i like or not, i can rest in presence, truth, stay in my heart, breathe, feel the love that maintains and sustains all life, feel it here now and let that be the operating force that lives this life called JoAnne.

Possibilities beyond reactivity opened up, like kindness, tenderness, compassion, inner softness, humor, innocence, wonder, curiosity.

A teacher of mine recently said, awakening is really just about deep relaxation. This is not new but it is deepening daily and I am profoundly grateful.

life without a reference point..

Humanity seems to be playing the game of opposites.. most of life it seems is about striving to have one experience while avoiding another. We want comfort not struggle, security over uncertainty, love without loss, community rather than isolation, achievement not failure, abundance as opposed to lack, freedom certainly over bondage... boil it all down and basically we want to feel good all the time and not feel bad. I've heard it said that we humans are wired for pleasure, it's how we are made, so even when we are actually doing something that may be "bad" or harmful, we "think" it makes us feel good.

The practice of inquiring into ones beliefs about what is "good" and what is "bad", what is helpful, harmful, successful, really can lead into a deep looking at what is life all about really.. what is the point? why are we here? what's actually happening?

When i ask myself if something is bad or good, i find myself looking at conditioning, beliefs, that's all, seeing that there is no truth to calling it good or bad, just the thinking makes it so..

We have a great example of this in AA, when someone hits bottom with drugs or alcohol and comes into an AA meeting, usually there is drama, families torn apart, jail, overdosing, violence, or at the very least intense internal drama, self hatred, destruction of the body and trauma to the psyche. Some people would call this "bad", but when someone walks into AA and tells their story of whoa, the details of which actually brought them to this point of admitting they have a problem and opening them to be able to adopting a spiritual way of life, we clap and tell them we are glad they are here. We know that these "bad" things are really a doorway to their transformation and spiritual awakening.

So what happens when one no longer knows what is "good" or "bad", helpful or harmful.. what if losing your job results in opening you up to new possibilities? What if debt and financial devastation, helps us see what is really important in life in a way that success never could? What if illness and grief, loss and lack, struggle and failure are really our doorways?

This is happening.. the belief system is fading, there is less and less referencing to the past.. instead there is just this noticing that life is happening.. sometimes it still seems like it's happening to "me" and then i notice the old tendency to avoid it if it is labeled bad, move away from it.. but so often now the old pattern is just not believed, not followed.. so i've been sitting in grief, sadness and loss, seems i've never been so willing and able to allow what's here to be here, allow it fully, say yes to it.. find out what it actually is... sit in the discovery... so here i sit, noticing a huge piece of conditioning- about what marriage is, what divorce is, what family is, what security is, what it is to be in long term committed partnership and what it means when it all falls apart, what actually dies and what is born from the ashes.. what does one see when there is no referencing the past?

anything in your life that is being labeled? is it true that it's good or bad... ever notice when we tell ourselves.. "this should not be happening!" yet it is.. how about that..