Hello me...

There is a daily question I've had several teachers suggest I ask several times a day...

What do I really want? or How does spirit really want to express here?

I've been told to ask it on awakening and before bed, as I pause throughout the day whenever I feel frustrated, overwhelmed, reactive..

My teacher Neelam says ask only one question.. am I in the past? (conditioning, mind, reactivity) or am I Present? Am I here now?

or I am caught up in a story of what's wrong and how it should be different, letting my mind whip me around like a dog on a leash.

So like today when I arranged for childcare, drove 20 min for an appointment, found out I could not meet with the person, got frustrated and got sucked into a story about blame, inconvenience and how this should not be.

Right then I could ask myself.. What do I really want right now? I think what I want in that moment is a certain outcome, a certain circumstance, then I can rest and be peaceful.

If I believe that I need a certain outcome to be happy, peaceful, calm, then truly I am lost,

for life has it's own agenda and things often do not go as I wish they would.

Whenever I see someone doing something that gets my attention.. someone driving slowly or badly, someone behaving selfishly, doing something cruel or hurtful, a parent not tuned into or present for their child offering support and love, anything at all that I might judge.. I can instead ask myself, What do I want here?

Do I want to feel better than, justified, right? Than I can judge, lash out, label that person, separate myself from them, create distance, make up a story about them, believe it.

If I want to feel unity, compassion, love...

Then I can ask myself ... have I done that? ever? can I find that in me? usually it's always yes...

and then I notice I soften, judgment falls away, the illusion of separation melts, I feel connected, oneness, love... yes this is what I want!

A healing?

Two nights ago I had a session with an energy/body worker/masseuse, I was not sure what exactly he did but my friends were raving and one offered to treat me to a session, so I went. During the session I found myself praying, alot. God please help me to let go of whatever is blocking me from feeling your love and grace and keeping me stuck in reaction and resistance, please... help me surrender at the deepest level... please.. whatever is in the way of a more consistent "resting in presence" that seems to velcro me to the story of "other" and "this should be different" please let it release... now...

The only "bad" thing about moving deeper and deeper into a realization of this amazing grace and unity awareness is when suddenly it is forgotten, traded in for a story.. of me, you, them, separation, violation, hurt and suffering. That's pretty much what's been happening for the last month.. it's been dark let me tell ya..

Lucky for me, I am surrounded by grace even when it seems I'm not, an angel came to me several times in the last month in the midst of my lowest moments to remind me of the totality of who I REALLY AM, which incredibly does not seem helpful in the moment to the one who wants to play small, sit in self pity and at all costs keep the story of pain and violation going.

It's extraordinary really but I guess it's why baby elephants tied to small posts and grow to be enormous but don't seem to realize that the can easily pull out the small posts later in life and why prisoners when freed so often return to prison. It's a paradox of how this story of smallness and separation is so compelling, you'd think (haha) that someone who has directly experienced "reality", expansion, totality, this that I AM, no mind, more than a hundred times could never "forget" again.... but alas it happens....

So.. last Sunday I am sitting with my best friend (who I grow to love more dearly everyday) and she is trying desperately to shine the light on me as I sit in such darkness and somehow I can't see that she is even trying to shine the light because the story my mind is telling me is that she is criticizing me, finding fault and the pain is so great to the spiritual image I've created it is all I can do to not run away and I did try by the way but something keeps bring me back, grace I suppose?

So after a month or so of feeling squished into the little container called "me" there is an expansion ... deep breath... awareness seems to stretch out it's legs and there is this realization of

In this moment clarity has returned and it is so apparent that more of the ego, self protectiveness, false pride, spiritual image is just eroding away.. well it felt more like dynamited away in the moment, but only because there is such a clinging to it..

What I notice is that there is expansion, peace, unity, love, tenderness, awareness is known both as this expression of JoAnne as well as every other being I see and the clouds, ocean and birds.. AND there is reactivity, contraction, stories that run and a feeling of hopelessness that seems to take over for periods of time.. and when that happens I can pray, ask for help, ask for clarity, ask truth to reveal itself, spend more time in quiet, breathe, relax and be still ... over and over again..